Funny Quotes
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?
I’m a Leo. Leos don’t believe in this astrology stuff.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.a
If you are not living on the edge, you are taking too much space.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
The tiger can’t change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
He who laughs last didn’t get it.
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
Fat people are brilliant in bed. If I’m sitting on top of you, who’s going to argue ?
Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
What’s another word for thesaurus ?
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
A rich man’s joke is always funny.
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Love me or leave me. “Hey, where you all going ?”
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I can tell you’re lying. Your lips are moving.
To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.