Funny Quotes

My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did giggittygiggydoo that girl. I gashmogied her gaflabity with my googus. And I am sorry.
 
I didn’t know there was going to be an open bar, and the guy really knew his stuff! He made me a mojito. I don’t think it’s a gay drink. Mo-ji-to…
 
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you… very homosexually.
If I had a hole in my throat, I would put pennies in it.

I guess the lesson learned here is that it doesn’t matter where everyone is from as long as we’re all the same religion.

Hey Brian! I turned the stairs into a waterslide!
  (after Peter falls down the waterslide) I’m not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won’t learn anything.
 
Please go out with me. I’m just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I’ll pay and everything.
Yeah…uhh…that sounds cool but I’m gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)
When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

I can not believe this is happening to me, I can never go back to school again.

Oh yes Meg, yes yes, yes everything was going swimmingly for you until this … yes yes this is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses … no no no, its this … do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Don’t worry, he’s a trained bear, he is in no real danger.

Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here.
 
Ooh…you’re bending it…
 
Can I…Can I touch your hair? I’m gonna do it…I’m gonna touch it. Ooohoohoo it’s like a sheep.
I don’t see strippers passing out free tocos … Lois, you lied to me.

Come one come all, she floats like a butterfly and stings like I pee.

I know its [the baby formula] different than you’re used to but you’ll see its just as good.

Mmm, yes, that’s what we were promised about Jim Belushi some 25 laugh free years ago.

Yeah, who cares what you say, you’re a dog, you can’t see colors, which means you can’t see the colors on the American flag, Commie.

Know what is amazing, you inspired the whole neighborhood to work together.

Know what is amazing Brian, I haven’t brushed my teeth in 3 days and nobody has noticed.

Damn you vile woman, you’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.

Nothing says oh baby like a fresh head on a pike.

Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner is where fudge is made.

Where did you graduate again, university of duhhhh.

Here is a vision test for you, is this a turd or the remote control.

I’m not gonna kill those kids. If they die I’ll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays… other than the fine programs on Fox.