Funny Quotes

“Take it from me, marriage isn’t a word … it’s a sentence!”

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.

The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.

“Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.”

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.
And she never did.

Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often.”

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

Why can’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them!

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she’ll kill me!

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

Man doesn’t know what hapiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.

Was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.