Funny Quotes

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I love cats…they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don’t blame me - I’m from Uranus.

Your kid may be an honor student but YOU’RE still an IDIOT!

It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Smile - it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Friends don’t let friends drive Naked.

Wink, I’ll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there’s a will, I want to be in it!

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I souport publik edekasion.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.

2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.