Funny Quotes

If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

I’m a classic example of all humorists — only funny when I’m working.

Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil

I just thought of something funny…your mother.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Whenever I see an old lady slips and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.

But then I think what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.

Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule,

And on every side of a fool

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.

Two lions broke loose in the zoo and were eating a clown.

One lion said to the other…

“Does this taste funny to you?”